Not O.K.

On Thursday, an officer noticed a suspicious truck driver. White male, 5'3", 130 lbs., approximately seventy years old, wearing a t-shirt that read MADE TO GET LAID. The officer promptly threw up all over. 

What Entrance?

On Monday, officers received a call advising that an individual was attempting to gain access to the facility with a terminated ID badge. Upon learning that the access point was known as the P.E.E. door, the patrol officer on duty was unable to suppress the urge to laugh. The officer was subsequently lectured on professionalism for approximately thirty minutes. The access issue was resolved. 

Time After Time

Security officers received a call on the emergency line at approximately 2330 Saturday night. The caller informed officers that she was parked in 30 minute parking, but was going to be parked there for over 30 minutes. The caller was advised not to call the emergency line for such matters in the future.

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

A dead bird was discovered at 0915 on Sunday. The reporting officer inspected the bird and determined that the cause of death was most likely massive blunt-force trauma to the head. The fatal injuries were presumably sustained when the bird, an American Goldfinch, flew into a glass window. The manner of death was ruled undetermined, as there was insufficient evidence at the scene to confirm the death as either an accident or a suicide. The officer was instructed to leave the dead bird at the scene after learning that disposing of the body would be a safety hazard. At this time, the officer is still confused about how throwing away a dead bird is a safety hazard to anyone, but is keeping quiet on the matter so as not to incur another rant from superior officers.

Everything Oak-A?

On Monday, a patrol officer spotted a fallen tree. The large oak had damaged an irrigation pump house and was blocking pedestrian access to a fitness trail. The officer spent ninety minutes photographing the damage to the point of absurdity and ensuring that the caution tape around the tree looked presentable. While securing the area, the officer was approached by a duck, and ascertained that it was hungry. The officer was unable to procure sustenance for the duck and encouraged it to return to its home.

Possible Return of the Mad Crapper

At 1040, officers were advised of two clogged toilets in the men's restroom. Initial speculation indicated a potential return of the Mad Crapper, a disgruntled employee who chose to illustrate his displeasure by intentionally plugging the men's room toilets. Upon further examination of the toilets, it was determined that the automatic flush sensors were malfunctioning. The stoppage was attributed to the flush sensors and not to copious amounts of fecal matter.